12 Tips For Dealing Graciously With the Stress of Family Gatherings

When my family gathers for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, we’ll drag with us all the chaos that’s normal when enjoying family over the holidays.  Especially when family includes grandchildren,  parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents.

There’ll be an abundance of food, no shortage of belly laughter, plenty of eye-rolling, and stories we can’t wait to tell. We’ll talk too loud, tease each other, and disagree about whether or not the rolls are brown enough.

 

 

Like most families, ours is full of crazy. Because when you’re with the people you love and who love you most, there’s no holding back.

Our people love each other deeply. Day in and day out we listen, cheer, help, support, encourage, inspire, and protect each other. And when we’re all together we work hard to create a safe place where our real stuff can surface because, after all,  “love covers a multitude of sins”  1 Peter 4:8, (HCSB).

 

ENJOYING FAMILY OVER THE HOLIDAYS

 

For as long as I can remember, family holidays have included a measure of craziness.

My grandfather insisted that lunch be served every single day of his life (including Thanksgiving AND Christmas) at 11:30 AM sharp. So we dutifully arranged our schedules accordingly. No one balked. No one told him he was unreasonable. We simply woke up early, got the food ready, and showed up at the table on time.

Before every single holiday dinner my grandmother spend thirty minutes trying to decide who should sit where. And she never claimed her own seat until everyone else had marked their place. So, we played musical chairs, exchanged amused looks, and never once dreamed of telling our sweet grandma to just sit down, for crying out loud.

We loved my grandparents deeply, so we dug deep and found the patience to overlook the annoyances that could have driven us bonkers. Instead, we tried to focus on why we wanted to gather together for the holidays in the first place.

 

LOVE WINS

 

We spend holidays together because we love each other. And as we give thanks, our family tops our reasons to be grateful.

 

This year we’ll remember how my grandfather made us hurry for lunch and we’ll laugh about my grandmother’s rendition of musical chairs.

But we won’t roll our eyes.

Instead, we’ll likely wipe away tears.

The little things that at one time drove us crazy will have morphed into tender memories of people we loved who were funny and dear and special. We loved them and we knew for certain they loved us.

In the end, there’s no greater treasure on earth than the gift of having been loved.

 

Holiday family stress can be crazy AND loving

 

 

Years from now, when my grandchildren are enjoying their own families over the holidays, I hope their eyes glisten when they laugh about how CeCe (that’s me) always insisted on the seat at the table that was closest to the kitchen. And how their PePaw eagerly helped himself to the biggest, over-sized portions of everything.

They’ll know we were crazy. But I hope their holiday memories will bring back memories of how much they were loved.

So, this year we’ll gather together once again in a place where crazy will live but love will reign.

And as we write down what we’re most thankful for, I’m betting 9 out of 10 of us will say something about family.

 

 

 

12 TIPS FOR ENJOYING (AND DEALING WITH) FAMILY STRESS

If your family is blessed with a little more crazy than normal, you may  need some extra help to get through those holiday gatherings. Here are 12 tips for dealing with holiday family stress: 

Be realistic.

No family is perfect.  The same quirks, irritations and weaknesses displayed every other day of the year will take their seat beside you at the family table. There’s nothing magical about the holidays, so be careful not to idealize them. If some family members normally cause you to feel stressed, adjust your expectations and prepare ahead of time to encounter the same stressors.

Set boundaries

If one or more of your family members exhibits abusive or toxic behavior, decide ahead of time what your boundaries will be. Then have the courage to abide by them without being rude or unkind.

Strategize

Are their hot-button issues that cause you stress year after year? Strategize ways you can avoid them. Perhaps there are topics of discussion you can avoid. If  the children are an issue, try planning some family games to help keep the kids entertained. Think ahead of time about what you can do to avoid confrontations. Ask God to help you, “for the Lord gives wisdom” Proverbs 2:6, (HCSB).

 

Aim to be a blessing

If you’re dealing with more than your share of holiday family stress, ask God to help you think of ways to be gracious. You may be surprised by how quickly your attitude will change by “not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you can inherit a blessing” 1 Peter 3:9, (HCSB).

Don’t revert to family roles.

Around the family table it’s tempting to revert to childhood roles. But you’re not a child, so be careful not to act like one. Your past is behind you and you are alive in Christ, empowered to be who He’s called you to be. “I have been crucified with Christ: and I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And the real life I now have within this body is a result of my trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” Galations 2:20, (TLB).

Watch your mouth

Decide ahead of time to smile and wait before you speak. In some instances the best thing to say is nothing at all because “when there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise” Proverbs 10:19, (HCSB). If you choose to speak, “let your conversation be gracious as well as sensible, for then you will have the right answer for everyone” Colossians 4:6, (TLB).

Mind your manners

One of the most effective yet most overlooked ways to change the family dynamic is simply to be polite and considerate. Use your manners and “let your graciousness be known to everyone” Philippians 4:5, (HCSB).

Extend grace

Decide ahead of time to overlook offenses. Choose to forgive when someone hurts your feelings, and do it quickly. “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive you your sins too” Mark 11:25, (HCSB).

Control yourself

You can’t control anyone else’s behavior, but you can control your own responses. Ask God to help you exhibit grace and self-control with your actions, speech and body language. “The intelligent person restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a man of understanding” Proverbs 17:27, (HCSB).

Expect the best

Your family members may say or do something to hurt your feelings, but regardless of your history with them, their actions may have been unintentional. Give them the benefit of the doubt because “a wise man restrains his anger and overlooks insults. This is to his credit” Proverbs 19:11 (TLB). Now take it a step farther. Think of something nice about them and dwell on that.

Live out the gospel

God calls us to love others, and that includes our family members. There’s no more effective way to advance the kingdom of God than to focus on building a strong Christian family by living the gospel out in front of them. And we can’t do that without loving them well.

 

Learn to deal with difficult people

Here are some tips for dealing with difficult people.

 

 

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