Positive Parenting Strategies For The Teenage Years

If you’re a parent and your kids aren’t grown yet, you need positive parenting strategies for the teenage years in your back pocket.

You may be carpooling kids to elementary school, but you hear the stories of teenagers gone wild. So, you look ahead and wonder if you’ve got what it takes to help your kids turn out right.

Or, perhaps you’re navigating teenagers now. In that case, positive parenting strategies for the teenage years are critical for you.

No matter where you are in your parenting journey, parenting teenagers is likely something you’ve either thought about or stressed over.

The truth is,  even strong, happy families can stumble their way through the teenage years.

In our home, my daughters’ teenage years were some of the happiest of my life. My three girls were fun, delightful, and responsible. But we still had our moments of eye-rolling, back-talking, and challenging the rules.

Let’s face it.

Teenagery is a mix of unbalanced hormones, struggles for independence, shaken identities, and parents who are imperfect and often afraid. So, some tough days are simply inevitable.

Whether your kids are small or already teens, it’s never to early or late to consider positive parenting strategies for the teenage years.

 

POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES FOR THE TEENAGE  YEARS

Plenty of parents raising teenagers say their homes are filled with short tempers, crabby attitudes, frustrated expectations, a lack of cooperation, criticism, ingratitude, arguments, isolation, unfair comparisons, and hot buttons that are constantly being pushed.

Most of those parents shake their heads and wonder how they got there.

I think I know.

Some time back, I had a few sniffles and an achy neck. After a day or so, I noticed my eyes were puffy and I suffered with a mild headache. But I knew the symptoms were from common pollen allergies, so I tried to ignore them. I kept telling myself I wasn’t feeling THAT bad.

Finally, one morning I woke up and my room was spinning.  I felt like I’d just ridden a Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair. I was sick, sick, sick.

Later that day an emergency room physician explained that my untreated allergy condition had resulted in vertigo.

Sadly, that’s what happens in some families.

First there are signs that things aren’t going great. But they’re dismissed in hopes they’ll  get better.

Before long, the family is spinning out of control.

That’s why we need a remedy.

Fortunately, the Bible has a prescription for families.

Whether you’re preparing for the teen years or trying to navigate them, this sound instruction from Ephesians is gold—

 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God, in Christ Jesus, has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32  Christian Standard Bible

 

There you go.

Here are my positive parenting strategies for the teenage years—

• Be kind
• Be tenderhearted
• Forgive

 

BE KIND

 

We know how to be kind.

We go out of our way to be kind to people. Our friends, the garbage collector, our food server, and the receptionist at the doctor’s office. We wouldn’t dream of being unkind.

Kindness is a way of showing people they have value. That they’re important.

 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 CSB

 

So, of course we’re kind.

But then along come teenagers.

And suddenly we can forget to be nice.

Good manners go by the wayside, and that’s a real shame. Because good manners are a basic way to show kindness.

They say “You’re worth it.” ‘You’re important.”

It’s why we teach our toddlers to say “please” when they want a cookie and “thank you” when we hand them a sippy cup.

 

 

But suddenly the toddlers turn into teenagers. And, if we’re not careful, we can be tempted to toss good manners aside.

But we shouldn’t.

Because when they most need to believe it, good manners will tell our teenagers “You’re worth something.” “You’re important.”

 

How are your manners?

 

• Do you use good manners at home?

 

• How often do you listen without interrupting?

 

• Do you speak without sarcasm?

 

• Would you ever say anything that might embarrass your teenager in front of friends?

 

• How frequently do you ask for your teenager’s opinions?

 

Make no mistake. If we want polite kids, we have to be polite.

We can’t just demand kindness. We have to practice it.

Kids who are treated with kindness will normally begin to act kindly.

In other words, good manners are contagious.

 

BE TENDERHEARTED

 

Being tenderhearted means having compassion, pity, or empathy.

To be honest, there’s no better way to develop compassion for teenagers than to try to walk a mile in their shoes.

 

How’s your tenderness rating?

• Have you considered how many critical glances or sarcastic comments your teenager encounters from peers (and maybe even teachers) every day?

 

• How much of what they watch or listen to do you think teaches them to be self-centered or to think of their families as unnecessary and bothersome?

 

• Do you know what their dreams are? More importantly, have you taught them that the Sovereign God of the Universe has a plan for their lives that outdoes any plans of their own? (Or, in all honesty, are you most concerned about having your teenager fulfill your own dreams for him or her?)

 

FORGIVE

Living with a teenager can sometimes be painful.

When one of the people you love most on this earth carelessly (or even intentionally) flings hurtful words, gets an attitude, acts ungrateful, or basically pushes the most tender buttons  in your heart, it hurts.

And when you’ve been wounded, it’s not always easy to forgive.

That’s why parents of teenagers need to constantly remind themselves that, in Christ, we’ve been forgiven. Not for one sin. For ALL sin.

If God had chosen to forgive us for every sin except THAT ONE, we wouldn’t be accepted by Him.

After all, the Bible tells us God is holy and perfect, so even one sin keeps us separated from Him.

We all need God’s forgiveness. So, in a sense, we’re all in the same boat.

That’s why the Bible tells us to be kind, to be tenderhearted, and to forgive.

Not to forget.

We’d be foolish to ignore a teenager’s history of rebellion or the attitudes and behaviors that still need correction.

The word forgive doesn’t mean to forget. It means to untie the knot. If your teenager has hurt you and you’ve withheld forgiveness, you’re dealing with anger, bitterness, and resentment. And those emotions will tie you in knots.

So, choosing to forgive unties the knots. The offense is still there, but you’re no longer controlled by the emotions it caused.

In a sense, when you forgive, you free yourself up.

Now you can respond with a heart that’s not reacting to hurt.

As much as you’re able to, forgive your teenager. Remember that forgiveness is primarily an act between you and God. So admit your anger, frustration and bitterness to God and ask Him to forgive you and help you start over.

 

If we say, “We have fellowship with him,” and yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing the truth. If we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 John 1:6-7

 

Next, the Bible tells us to seek forgiveness from each other. You may want to go to your teenager and ask for his or her forgiveness. But if you’re not ready for this step, please don’t let it keep you from moving forward.

Perhaps while parenting your teenager you recognize you’ve been a little short on kindness, tenderheartedness, forgiveness, or all three. As far as how to be a good parent to a teenager, you’ve blown it.

Don’t despair.

Positive parenting strategies for the teenage years don’t include perfection.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent.

You haven’t been perfect. Neither has your teenager. And neither have I.

There’s no fool-proof textbook for how to be a good parent to a teenager. And a lot of parents have blown it.

But here’s the bottom line: Even if we could be perfect parents, we still couldn’t meet the deepest needs of our teenagers.

To be honest, we weren’t created to do that.

Our kids were all born with holes in their hearts…gaping holes that need to be filled. But those holes aren’t parent-sized. They’re God-sized.

That’s why when it comes to healing the holes in our kids’ hearts, we’ll always disappoint them.

We simply don’t have what it takes to satisfy their deepest needs and longings.

But God does.

Because when Christ fills us, He fills us completely.

When I was young, my Cajun French grandfather taught me about lagniappe. It’s a French word that means “something extra.” Like the 13th cookie a baker adds to a dozen, it’s a gift. A little something more than you were expecting.

The love of a family member or friend is intended to be lagniappe.

Jesus Christ is who your teenager desperately needs.  Every other relationship is something extra.

 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE BLOWN IT—

Get alone with God and admit  you haven’t been the parent you wanted to be.

Confess your failures

As a Christian, you can claim God’s forgiveness that is yours in Christ. If you’re not a Christian and you know you need God’s forgiveness in Christ, ask Him to cleanse your sin and impart His new life to you.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9  CSB

 

Start over

Finally, make up your mind to start over with the following steps.

 

POSITIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES FOR THE TEENAGE YEARS SUMMED UP—

 

Be kind.

Treat your teenager with respect. (Yes, use good manners.)

 

Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4  CSB

 

With a tender heart, always try to walk in your teenager’s shoes.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you should change your rules or standards (as long as they form a biblical foundation). It simply means you have compassion, pity, or empathy as they walk the path you help lay out for them.

 

Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 11:19  CSB

 

Be willing to forgive.

Over and over again.

 

bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.

Colossians 3:13  CSB

 

God has blessed you with a teenager. And even though how to be a good parent to a teenager isn’t always clear, one thing is clear:

You were blessed to be a blessing.

 

Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t snap back at those who say unkind things about you. Instead, pray for God’s help for them, for we are to be kind [a blessing] to others, and God will bless us for it.

1 Peter 3:9  TLB

 

So, go on. Be kind. Be tenderhearted. Forgive. And be a great, big blessing to your teenager.

 

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