How do you build a strong family with kids who know without a doubt they’re loved and valued?
A short time ago I pulled my favorite white sweater from the washing machine and found two loose threads dangling from a sleeve.
It’s the sweater I wear in over-air-conditioned restaurants on summer days. It easily complements all my outfits from shorts to capris to sundresses.
I tugged gently at the loose threads to see if the rest of the sweater had begun to unravel.
The sweater was intact!
After a whoop! and a fist-pump, I knotted the threads and committed to hand-wash my sweater the next time.
Like my treasured sweater, a family fabric can easily unravel without proper care.
Why quality family time matters
Some time ago I had lunch with three young moms who couldn’t stop talking about their precious preschoolers. One mom sheepishly admitted her house was a complete wreck because of the time she was spending with her young son. The other moms nodded hesitantly and then looked at each for affirmation.
Was it okay?
Absolutely.
Weaving a strong family requires huge investments of quality time.
And quality time requires more than just being in the same room together.
Quality time is intentional.
And quality time is critical because it assigns value.
To put it simply, your everyday willingness to be interrupted or inconvenienced shouts to your child that he or she MATTERS.
Toddlers: I choose you
While children are toddlers, the opportunities for quality time are both endless and exhausting. But don’t think for a minute that reading a book, stopping to examine a bug, or singing a song together are mundane activities.
Instead, they’re building blocks for strong family relationships.
Every time you stop to play a clapping game or bounce a ball with a toddler, you’re saying in the only language they understand: I CHOOSE YOU.
Yes, feel free to let the house go.
They won’t remember your clean house or your Pinterest-worthy decor . But the time you spend rolling playdoh into snakes for the zillionth time while they laugh will make an indelible imprint on their hearts that says “I matter because my mom enjoys spending time with me.”
Kindergarten and Elementary: you are valued
As kids grow older, they’re eager to move toward independence—and we’re eager to let them. But it’s critical that we don’t forget how much they still want us to be there.
Teaching a kindergartner to ride a bike, telling a second grader stories from your own childhood, or patiently helping a fourth grader with homework are huge foundations for significance.
As elementary-aged kids begin to grapple with their identity, our unrelenting efforts to spend time with them will point out with unmistakable clarity what they need to hear: YOU. ARE. IMPORTANT.
Yes, there’s not enough time in a day. So make conscious choices with your moments.
The moments matter.
They add up to years of strong family time that will wrap your child in an embrace of significance.
Teenagers need availability
Quality time with teenagers can take on a different definition every single day.
But nearly every day, it simply means being available.
My willingness to forego lunch with a friend to run a forgotten pair of soccer cleats to school may have been a slight annoyance for me, but it was a huge reminder to my high schooler that she mattered.
When my daughters went out with friends or on a date, they may have rolled their eyes when I stayed up until they got in (more than once I could have used toothpicks to prop my eyelids) but years later they affirmed what I sensed at the time…whether or not they were in the mood to share details, my willingness to be there said they mattered to me.
Teens will often pretend they couldn’t care less if their parents attend a baseball game, dance recital. or chess tournament. But they do care. Even if they’re too cool to show it.
So, just show up.
And know that your presence is a beacon that will flash brightly on their darkest days to remind them I MATTER.
What they’ll remember about quality family time
The newest toys and the fanciest cars won’t build a strong family. But the effort it takes to give eye contact to a toddler, listen to a fourth-grader’s silly jokes, or identify with a teen’s heartbreak will form a foundation that’s all but indestructible.
In every family, tensions come. They’re as inevitable as dangling threads on a well-worn sweater.
But even when those tense moments feel scary, in the end they won’t compromise the strength of a relationship you’ve woven together with quality family time that says I LOVE YOU.
When your kids leave for college, they won’t remember how clean your bathrooms were and they won’t care if you dined on china or paper plates. But they’ll remember that, when other things and people screamed for your attention, you chose them. And because you chose them, they’ll know without a doubt they’re loved and valued.
That’s a family fabric that’ll stay woven together.
This is what I have asked of God for you: that you will be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love…”
Oh what a sweet reminder that the years fly by fast. I’m guilty of running around straightening and cleaning and forsaking time with my kids. I am being convicted more and more as they grow older. I’m also realizing how much it matters to listen to the stories of heartbreak and life through the eyes of a 10 year old. What seems petty to me, is the whole world to my daughter who is growing into a young lady faster that I want. I try my best to sit in bed with each one at the end of the day and listen intently to what they have to say. I fail most days but I’m so thankful for God’s grace in my life. Thank you for the reminder to hold on to the moments that matter and invest TIME into our kiddos while they want us. There will be a day all to soon that they will stop asking us to lay in the floor and play. I pray I don’t miss these opportunities.
You’re a great mom and you’re doing so many things right, April! Really listening to a ten-year-old builds the confidence she’ll need to talk to you as a fifteen-year-old:) And I agree…although you can help her put them in perspective, validating her thoughts and feelings about even the trivial things is so important to let her know you care and you want to understand. Those are building blocks to being her mentor as a teenager and her best friend as a grown woman. Keep doing what you’re doing! I’m cheering you on!