The calls came at random times of the day and night.
“Mom, I love this place! I want to stay here forever!”
“Mom, I can’t stand this place! I can’t live here another minute!”
“Mom, I have so many best friends!!”
“Mom, I can’t deal with the drama!”
There were tons of exclamation marks.
Every time my daughters called from college, I braced myself. Would it be good news or bad? Would there be laughter or tears?
Their feelings were all over the place, and riding their emotional roller coasters was exhausting.
But as they navigated the excitement and uncertainty of college life, my girls always knew I was a phone call [or text] away. The distance created by college life was a new adjustment for all of us, and keeping the lines of communication open was more important than ever. And the hardest part was knowing they were in control of how much communication we shared.
To keep the communication flowing and your relationship flourishing, here are three pieces of
ADVICE FOR PARENTS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS
1. Always, always answer.
At first I was taken aback by calls that came at 2 in the morning, until I adjusted to the idea of “college time” versus “normal time.” Occasionally my daughters contacted me on their way to an early class, but they were just as likely to call past midnight.
No matter what time they reached out to me―even if it jolted me from a dead sleep― I always answered and tried my best to sound cheerful. I knew my girls could have chosen a ton of other people to reach out to―and I was keenly aware they’d picked me.
Every phone call, text, or video from a college student is an invitation to join their college life. Our kids don’t have to invite us in. And an invitation that goes unanswered isn’t normally re-extended. So, when they invite us in, we should respond. Right away.
And, as much as you’re able to―even if you get a call at some wee hour of the morning or a text in the middle of a meeting―let it be said of you that “when she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule for everything she says” (Proverbs 31:26, TLB).
2. Be a mom first.
Something normally happened the summer before each of my daughters went to college for the first time. A delightful shift took place as our relationship began to morph from mother and daughter to friends.
But, as anxious as I was to be their friend, I knew my girls still needed a mom.
Sometimes they called just to fill me in on the fun details of college life. Other times they called to vent. Either way, I kept my mom hat on right underneath my friend hat.
After all, who else would love them enough to tell them the hard things?
Their friends get to tell them what they want to hear. We must tell them what they need to hear, because the advice of parents is like a “beam of light directed into the dark corners of your mind to warn you of danger and to give you a good life” (Proverbs 6:23, HCSB).
One day you’ll have the privilege of just being a friend.
But not yet.
(Actually, they’ll need a mom for the rest of their lives. And we’re the lucky people who get to be both.)
3. Do more listening than talking.
I know, I know. We’re used to talking. That’s what we do. We give orders and advice and tell them all the things. But now we don’t have all the answers, and even if we did, our kids don’t need them.
For now, we get to practice being “quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19, HCSB). In other words, good advice for parents of college students includes listening more than you talk.
By listening, we give them a chance to process ideas and give voice to feelings. Like a therapist, we can sit back and allow them to sort things out as they speak.
The truth is, they don’t want to hear from us nearly as much as they want us to hear them.
3 important pieces of advice for parents of college students
So, there you go.
- Always answer.
- Be a mom.
- Try to listen more than you talk.
Three easy challenging tips for communicating with your college student.
