What would our lives be like if we didn’t have to deal with DIFFICULT PEOPLE?
Let’s face it. Some people are hard to love.
You know what I mean. Ornery. Controlling. Manipulative. Selfish. You fill in the blank.
If not for that one difficult person in your life, wouldn’t your life be so much happier?
Perhaps.
But happiness isn’t everything.
Holiness counts, too.
In fact, making us holy is more important to God than making us happy!
And sometimes loving difficult people is the challenge we need to make that happen.
So, take a deep breath.
And check out these five steps to loving the difficult people in your life.
1) LOVING DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS EASIER WHEN WE SEE GOD’S HAND
God’s Spirit is always at work in the life of a Christian. God wants to change us closer to the image of Christ. That’s why His Spirit exposes attitudes and behaviors in us that don’t look anything like Him.
Without the challenge of loving difficult people in my life, I’m pretty sure I’d roll merrily along, thinking life is grand and I’m good. Kind of like my dusty side table that looks fine until the morning light shines through the window.
But then that difficult person in my life sends me a text. Or says something that gets back to me.
And BAM! There they are. All those ungodly emotions, attitudes, and responses I didn’t realize were there.
See? God uses difficult people to shine a light into our hearts and expose the yuck lurking inside.
After all, we can’t repent (turn away) from a bad attitude until we know it’s there.
So don’t see difficult people as instruments of torment in your life. Instead, recognize that God may be using them to change you.
2) MANAGE THE CONFLICT
The easiest thing to do when dealing with difficult people is to bail from the relationship.
Disposable is our game. Throwaway diapers, razors, and plates are a part of our everyday lives. So, if we’re not careful, it’ll feel natural to dispose of relationships that seem like too much work.
When a family member, friend, co-worker, or church member is unpleasant, controlling, or awkward, it’s easy to bail.
And you don’t have to physically sever a relationship to bail from it. You can simply detach emotionally. Become apathetic. Put up an emotional wall. Just turn your heart away.
But there’s a problem with bailing. If we bail, we’re not managing the conflict. We’re controlling it. Ouch!
And that means we don’t really want to win the relationship. Instead, we want to win the fight to control the relationship.
Bailing means we lose. We miss out on a relationship that may have the potential to be a blessing. In the process, we miss out on an opportunity for God to change our hearts.
Winning over the relationship by loving difficult people is hard work. Jesus said it would be. That’s why He told us to dig deep.
Do you think you deserve credit for merely loving those who love you? Even the godless do that!
And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.
Loving difficult people is a decision. No matter how they make us feel, we can still choose to love them.
Even when they push our buttons.
3) ACKNOWLEDGE THE GIFT OF LOVING DIFFICULT PEOPLE
When a panic button is pushed, it means there’s an emergency. Someone needs help.
That’s what it means when difficult people “push our buttons.” They look like the problem, but the truth is there may be something wrong in our own heart. We need help. And we need to take swift action.
The button a difficult person pushes is a gift from God. An alarm system for our hearts so we can take action:
When you feel resentment
Life can be unfair.
Perhaps you’ve been treated unjustly. Maybe you didn’t receive the appreciation you deserve. Or perhaps that difficult person is getting away with more bad behavior.
And you feel resentful.
The truth is, feelings of resentment are like a panic button in our hearts.
They reveal we’ve forgotten this life is not all there is.
Don’t store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don’t break in and steal.
Life on this earth will never be fair. But this life wasn’t designed to satisfy us.
Only Jesus is everything we need.
So, let that difficult person off the hook. Stop expecting them to satisfy your emotional needs. And be thankful for what and Who you have in Christ.
When you feel angry
When difficult people push a hot button of anger in us, it’s important to put out the fire.
Immediately.
The Bible says to uproot the bitterness in your heart before it does a lot of damage. That’s because a root of bitterness produces all kinds of ungodliness in us and gives the devil a chance to work in our lives. We can’t afford to let it fester.
Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many.
Here’s how to pull up a root of bitterness:
FORGIVE.
How, you ask?
Just as God forgave you.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.
Ephesians 4:32, TLB
After all, where would we be without the mercy of God?
Condemned.
Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God.
John 3:18, HCSB
Because not one of us is innocent.
So, let’s extend mercy. No matter how guilty or undeserving that difficult person is, let’s choose to forgive him/her.
And release that root of bitterness from our hearts.
When you feel annoyed
Some difficult people are so. much. work.
Annoying. Needy. Never satisfied. Always stirring something up.
In a nutshell, they’re simply too much trouble. They give us plenty of reasons to throw in the towel.
But the impulse to throw our hands up should stop us in our tracks, because what the Spirit has exposed in our hearts is self-righteousness.
After all, how much trouble was it for God to save us from judgment?
On our own, we weren’t salvageable. We’re just not that awesome.
And has God’s grace run out? Has He given up on us?
Praise God, no!!
He’ll never stop working in us.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
So, here’s the deal:
God loves that difficult person as much as He loves you.
He/she IS worth the trouble.
And, in God’s estimation, you were too.
4) REALIZE THAT, FOR SOMEONE ELSE, YOU MAY BE ONE OF THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE
I cringe when I recall relationships I haven’t handled well.
Not only do I mourn what could have been, but I grieve my misrepresentation of Jesus Christ.
The Bible says we can talk all we want about how much we love God. But the proof of whether we really do is found in how well we love other people.
If anyone says, “I love God,” and yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For the person who does not love his brother or sister whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.
In so many ways and in too many relationships, I’ve been nothing but hot air. I’ve thrown up a wall when I should have stayed and hashed out our differences. I’ve allowed resentment to grow when I felt I was treated unfairly. And I’ve justified my anger when I should have chosen to forgive.
My biggest regret is what my behavior demonstrated. What kind of Christian influence was I? Did my actions convince the other person that God is less than loving? That He bails on us when we’re hard? That He considers us too much trouble?
On top of that, I can’t help but roll my eyes at myself. Because maybe I was being the difficult person all along.
5) PRAY FOR THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
I know this from experience.
Nothing will change your heart for loving difficult people like prayer.
Pray for them. Ask God to bless them.
But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!
Pray for yourself. Ask God to soften your heart, to give you patience and compassion, and to help you genuinely love the person who’s so hard for you to love.
…not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you may inherit a blessing.
Then, get ready. Because God moves powerfully when we ask for His will to be done. And I can assure you that loving difficult people is God’s will for your life.
We all have difficult people in our lives.
And we all have choices.
We can take matters into our own hands and bail on the relationship to make ourselves happy. Or we can place those difficult people in God’s hands and let Him use them to make us more holy.
Let’s choose to stay. To do the hard work of blessing and loving difficult people.
Because God will change us. And, He may even change them.
For more help with loving difficult people, check out pastor and Bible teacher John Piper’s teaching lab on how to love people when it’s hard.
I definitely needed this today. I know I have been a difficult person many times, even to my husband. I thank God for forgiveness and his mercy. I have a difficult person in my life and my own mom said that I need to check my own heart on how I was handling that person and the situation. So, thank you for this post that is definitely for me. <3
Liz, I’m so glad this was helpful. I definitely can relate. I too have been the difficult person at times and yes…thank the Lord for His mercy and for the transforming power of the Holy Spirit! I’ll say a prayer for you as you wrestle to show grace to that difficult person in your life. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Thank you so much for this article! I plan to save it and reread it! My husband and I are currently working on building a relationship with a family we have personality clashes with. I spent all this energy tonight researching personalities and “worldly” wisdom. Once I had exhausted myself, I typed in “loving difficult people in a biblical way” and this article popped up first!
I needed these anchors of Scripture to arm me with wisdom and strength as we forge on, working to grow difficult relationships, because loving difficult people is what Christ calls us to! Thank you for this gift of words!!
Kayla, I’m thrilled this post was helpful to you and grateful the Lord used it to encourage you! Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know! I pray the Lord works powerfully as you move forward in that difficult relationship with love and grace.
I thank the Lord for leading me to this article, my sisters and I have been dealing with loving our mom, this hit home.
Kimie, I’m honored my words were an encouragement and help to you. Thank you so much for letting me know. I’ll say a prayer for you, your mom, and your sisters.
Last night, I was in tears and prayed for God’s help and guidance about a decision that I have to make whether to leave the relationship I’m in or to continue loving this difficult person. Reading your article was a blessing in disguise because I was really torn about my decisions and needed God to speak to me and with your article I heard him spoke to my heart. Thank you for sharing this article.
Julia, thank you so much for reaching out and letting me know my words encouraged you. I will say a prayer for you.